That's a beautiful heart you're dragging all over the ground

Oh man guys...Horrible. My family's so messed up . Whenever I try to tell my mom about my problems, she sort of turns it around and talks about herself and cries a whole lot. I dunno why I thought tonight would be any different. To need comfort and then have to be the one to comfort is so backwards it's not even funny. Guh. I'm always the one to make her cry. Oh and I forgot that EVERYTHING'S about Sarah. Oh my gosh, it's not even funny how everyone has to walk around on eggshells so no one accidently hurts her feelings. I tried to talk something out with her today and she turned it around and made herself the victim; trying to make me out to be the bad guy. It's sick.

So here's the dealio: My mom doesn't have a job so the bills need to get paid by my older sister and bro-in-law.But apparently that's not happening. That's not happening at all. Like at all. So my mom is sad b/c she doesn't have a job and b/c sarah and walter are being brats.

Craziness. It just keeps getting worse. lol.

So before, I was really angry at my mom and my older sister for being weird and treating me really badly, but now I'm not. Before I wanted to keep to myself and just stew in my anger, but now I want to forget it ever happened. Before I wasn't talking to God b/c I was so angry at everything that was going on, now I know He's the only one I can really talk to that'll give me answers and won't cry about himself when I need comfort. Oh man, I love God so much.

I have no idea what God is doing, but I'll trust Him. I'm not going to worry anymore. I can't. It's too much to keep track of to worry about. The list is long and my efforts are useless. I hate living here sometimes. I can't wait for college. I'll send my mom money.

Praise God I have a place to sleep. Woooo! When you're laying around thinking about how much you hate your family, praise God you don't live with mine : /

Currently Watching The Firm By Tom Cruise, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Gene Hackman, Hal Holbrook, Terry Kinney, Wilford Brimley, Ed Harris, Holly Hunter, David Strathairn, Gary Busey, Steven Hill, Tobin Bell, Barbara Garrick, Jerry Hardin, Paul Calderon, Jerry Weintraub, Sullivan Walker, Karina Lombard, Margo Martindale, John Beal see related

The Endodontist Spoiled Me

Yesterday I went to get a crown at Southern Dental; where I get muh braces done too, lol.  I got this doctor who my mom said was really awesome. 

Anywhoo, so a crown. You just sit in a chair, get moldings, and get a cap put on. Simple right? Well I got in the dumb leathery chair and they made me sign some documents saying it was ok for them to give me anesthetics. ( Whaaaaaat?) 

Yeah they gave me shots, but I was ok with it even though I felt a little ambushed with all of it.  Well the shots really hurt. At the Endodontist office it hurt but not as much as this. I mean the one on the roof of my mouth? They all hurt there but it hurt sooooo much b/c she was pressing on it with a Q-tip!!!!

Anywhoooo, yeah so she left me for about HALF AN HOUR with this other weird guy who they all call, "Pops," coming in and grabbing supplies. I didn't know this doctor at all mind you. I'd only seen him once.

Anywaaayyy, yeah so then she started drilling and whatnot. She left again right after for ANOTHER HALF AN HOUR maybe more. So eventually she comes in and puts the permanent filling in but scrapes the roof of my mouth to put the temporary cap in. She made a hole in the roof of my mouth so make room for the temporary cap.  Did you just read that? (Today actually I was eating chips and little pieces kept getting stuck up there.) She was very very rough with me too. She kept on scraping and I felt it. I told her I was in pain and she was like, "Hmmmmph. I wonder why. Maybe it was where I put the needle in." Then proceeded to do absolutely nothing about it. NOTHING. How much sense does that even make??? Tell me, how much sense does it make? My numbing stuff wore off, that's why it hurt. Wonder why she couldn't figure that out. Yeah so she left me yet again for a long time, this time it was most uncomforable. Why? Because the roof of my mouth hurt and I was swallowing huge amounts of blood. Like really, I totally wanted to puke because there was soooooo much blood!!! I wanted to get up and leave. I kept saying to myself "I wish I would stop bleeding." I also almost broke out in a huge wail of crying like a billion times, but I was like, "No Angel, you can cry later. You'll go home and just take some Tylenol. It'll be ok."  

Oh gosh then they made the molding she broke a bracket on my braces. Now every time I open my mouth my top lip gets caught on it. 

Yeah yeah yeah, ok so it's almost over. She finally gets my temporary cap and puts this glue on it that smells like a nail salon. Breathing that stuff in made me want to die.

When I get real nervous my body shakes uncontrollably for a while. Not violently in most cases, but in this one I was shaking for a long time. Not to mention the room was really stinking cold.

So then I went outside and cried a lot in my car. Like hysterically cried. Like wept. I'm serious. It was one of the worst experiences I've ever had with dentistry.  It was all because she wanted to get out of there early. She rushed (I heard her talking). I'll put picture on here later.

Number of things I regretted that day? 1.

Yay For Sorrows! What? WHAT? NO!! BOO FOR SORROWS!! BOO FOR PAIN!!!

So I'm turning into one of those people who only comes on xanga to vent because no one's up to talk to. Tonight's one of those nights guys.

My mom yelled at me again today. If you know my mom that's pretty unusual. Lately it's been stemming from deeper problems than the shallow only Lisa and I can see.  20 minutes ago I was watching Flavor-Flavs two time rejected girlfriend's dating show and said aloud, "I can't wait to see that; there's so much dumb drama. It's pure entertainment that you can just laugh at," and my mom yelled at me. What the crazy? Then she started going off on how her love life seemed hopeless, but in such a way that it made me feel bad for saying such a purposeless statement. Like she yelled at me because I don't like to watch kissing/sex scenes in movies and shows.  Really I know my mom said that because she has so much baggage and sorrow from being divorced twiced by deadbeats. Who's fifty.....uh something I can't remember years old on the outside but really 15 on the inside because she made a couple of mistakes. She harbors a lot of hurt. How can I yell back at someone like that?

So many times these past couple of years she's yelled at me for something silly but stemmed from deeper troubles. Like vomit I guess you could say is how it is. It just keeps coming until whatever she's REALLY feeling comes out.

It's always me. It's never Lisa or Sarah or Walter or anyone else, but me. Me that makes her cry over things like that. Me that sets her off. Doesn't make sense. I'm very very very considerate of people's feelings. I am human and I do slip up but I apologize right away and anyone who knows me knows that.  So it's obviously not what I've said, but me. Maybe a look in my eye or the fact it only LOOKS like I don't care about a lot of things. I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know! Why is it me!?!?!

Man...watching these sappy music videos isn't helping my mood. ::mouths "It Ends Tonight":: .     (lol)

How am I going to get to sleep tonight? Man, it's gonna be weird in the morning.

Currently Watching Mary Poppins (40th Anniversary Edition) By Julie Andrews, Dick Van Dyke, David Tomlinson, Glynis Johns, Hermione Baddeley, Reta Shaw, Karen Dotrice, Matthew Garber, Elsa Lanchester, Arthur Treacher, Reginald Owen, Ed Wynn, Jane Darwell, Arthur Malet, Dal McKennon, Marni Nixon, Robert Banas, Lester Matthews, James MacDonald (II), Thurl Ravenscroft see related

I got my root canal done guys! It was one of the best experiences I've ever had with root canals. The night before I was worried that I'd have to be put to sleep and that I'd get raped (which is really silly. You only think about these things when you're about to go to sleep I know. lol) So I prayed that my doctor would be a girl and a really ugly girl at that.  Anywhooo, so I got there and my doctor ended up being a cute guy in his 30's with blue eyes AND he was married! Goodness gracious, I'm glad God doesn't pay any mind to my demands sometimes. lol.  So yeah, it didn't hurt one bit. I have to go in again in January to get a retreat (where they fix one that was done poorly before) at the same office and I can't wait to go!

 I found this picture of him on his website. lol. He's slightly older than this but it's all I could find. 

So I'm wondering what God is doing in my life right now. I don't understand why I can't spend time with my best friend. Like her dad is a deadbeat dad who isn't a dad at all I'd say and gets all complicated and makes her cry.  Not out of sadness but bitterness towards him. My heart dies when the people I love cry. I don't understand why God doesn't just step in and do something. It's not like I'm a bad influence on her. It's really not fair, (blah blah blah life isn't fair I know) everyone I know gets to spend time with people they would die for.  Why can't I spend 4 hours with her working on a project or just watching movies?  After all that time, when she gets out of high school she'll get away but we'll go to different colleges - where's the justice in that? We're like Jonathon and David. Our souls are tied but we'll eventually just get pulled from each other due to circumstances and God's will. You know what? "God's perfect and pleasing will" just doesn't cut it some days.

Exodus 14:14 - "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still"You know what girls really want? A guy that's willing to fight for her.  Sometimes I wish God would fight for my friends' sanity.

I gave blood again last week. When I gave blood the first time I did it just b/c I thought it was what you were "supposed" to do.  It's jut all around noble apparently. Except when I gave blood again I realized it made me feel like a hero. I can't fly, shoot lasters from my eyes, or super strength, but I save 3 lives everytime I give blood. It's something I don't even have to work hard at. A little prick and weeks of bruising of the arm is worth it. Makes me feel like I'm up there with Superman.

So I thought the other day when I went into the dentists office that I was going to get a routine rootcanal and then off to get my molding for my braces. BUT after mixing up my X-Rays with two other people I had to be referred to a root canal specialist - an Endodontist. I don't even know who'd want to be one of those...but anyway I cried for about an hour. I've had to deal with sooo much stuff about my teeth it's just not even funny. Each time I go into the dentist's office I step in with confidence knowing that this is somehow a part of God's plan and it's going to be the last time I'd have to do something like that again. BUT NOOOO!! lol. More and more stuff just keeps coming up. I've had my braces for almost 5 years now.  I just want to have teeth like everyone else.  I don't understand what God could be doing.

Yesterday Oralio and Brenda came over to watch Nacho Libre. It was mucho fun to spend extra time with people you already know. Finding out things you didn't know before even though you think you already know everything about them...I don't like it when I realize some of my friends are practically strangers I sit next to or talk to on the phone. It's weird.